In my growing up years, I did a lot of things based on how it made feel. If I felt it, I did it. In time though, I changed: I wanted to do based on what I thought was right. If I had my doubts, I resigned. I sought clarity of rightness over the satiety of an end result.
There were days when this was quite laboring, cos I could do nothing.
That brings me to the question of what is right. If I do regret making mistakes, am I not regretting my doing? But why do I also regret my ‘non-doing’ state? Is it okay to do something than nothing at all? What if one is never to know what is right?
Is being submissive to the grand scheme of things show grit and surrender, or does it show indecisiveness?
Am I to regret all those things that I did badly, or regret those that I never had the opportunity to do? To err is human, we so easily say, but why is it difficult to forgive – ourselves and others?
And then there are these fights that all of us have… What kinds of fight are right?
I have lost because I fought, but I have gained too because of them. Fighting feels cathartic – I believe it helps. Communication helps. Being honest helps. But as much these beliefs have helped me, they have failed me too. I would any day fight over something, come to a mutual comfort state, than hide behind suppression and superfluity. Is honesty not a quid pro quo anymore? Should I be nice, or honest? Or when did honesty had to come with cynical sarcasm, or candid coldness?
I somehow believe, atleast my fight comes from a place of love.
Then again, should I do or not? Should I say or not?
I know not.
For now, however, I would embrace those who love honest mistakes, and not superfluous niceties. For now however, I would like to do things wrongly, rather than wait eternally without an answer.
Am I right?
I want to be. I hope this wanting is enough. For now.