Where do I begin?
What to say of 2011?
It is that inexplicable feeling yet again that reminds me what a tumultuous
dream (reality) it has been. Agony? Ecstasy? What is it?
A silent moment to myself, and then it dawns on me: it is not about the agony of separation, or ecstatic belief in His cosmic presence, but rather the understanding, the clarity in thought which He has wanted from us, when the divine drama unfolded.
Did I fair well?
Well, I do not know how others took to it, but I took time, a LOT that is. Having witnessed my guru Sri Sathya Sai Baba leave His body, life became a tough pill to swallow. A rewind of that roller coaster ride:
*September 2010. ‘Shiva Parvathi‘ wedding was held in Sai Kulwant Hall in the presence of my guru. His form was venerated as embodiment of the very same Shiva and Shakthi. I, as someone who associated the word “family” mainly to Him, felt it was only appropriate to attend His wedding.
He is my family. I need to be around for everything ❤
Little did I know then that I would indeed be around for everything.
*It was November soon, and I missed Him all over again. I packed my bags to Puttaparthi as I wanted to meet the birthday boy. My guru’s 85th birthday would be quite a memory to me.
I still cannot stop feeling irky, as I recall that day’s conversation with Swami for the insane weather. Surely, my birthday dream showed me His merciful fatherly love. The pleasures of being a Saiyan! What can I say? 🙂
*It was new years, when I made my way again to the holy land. The last darshan is still as clear, and the look of my beloved Sai as He went past the students’ block… Ironically, I told Him then as to how much I am waiting for the next Parthi visit already. May be He wanted to assuage the future grief on new year day itself, as He drove past all of us, His beloved daughters 🙂
“That memory is still etched in my heart Swami. Thy majestic, loving, unfathomable look on the new year’s day, now seems to make voluminous sense to my ignorant mind.
I loved all the interim posts that I wrote for you Swami, before Thy Samadhi day.
Not only did I miss you, but I did feel your presence as well. It’s always that hide and seek play with you Swami.”
“Dalitam madhuram, phalitam madhuram
Madhuradhipate rakhilam madhuram”
*April 23rd, 2011.
The evening seemed like inane empty hours – a tug at the heart – a weird feeling of loss for no reason. I sat in front of His altar, because I thought it would solace my writhing heart. Only next day, it all seemed to make sense, did the jeevatama know that the paramata wanted to leave? Was it a soul talk? Or like how He would say – heart to heart?
I think so. Perhaps that’s why the subconscious had a premonition.
The next five days felt surreal. After I came back from Parti, where I bore spectacle to His final rites, His samadhi, I penned this: To-you-my-all.
Those days made me contemplate a lot.
“You know what I remembered Swami?
That dream in 2010, where Bhagwan it was your Samadhi day. I had dismissed that dream right away, and didn’t tell anybody, because I thought it was meant for 2022. I remember how myself and D circumambulated Thy divya deha then in the dream, while our cheeks were flushed.”
Was that a warning? A cue of sorts? I ached for a dream again. For my Master to tell me He is alright, He is happy.
*Twice in May and once in July, He did visit – doing Narayana seva in each of the dreams. Why hasn’t He spoken to me like before? Why hasn’t He said anything?
Why no messages? While the message was evident: SERVICE.
“You had then told my friend that I need to write again like before, but I couldn’t.”
*August presented me with a visit to not only Puttaparthi, but to Anantapur , women’s campus of SSSIHL- my place of love and learning. What wonderful messages were in store for us, both alumna and students. “I was still naive and foolish, I still missed you. I couldn’t even finish writing about the whole trip. I managed part one: an-unsung-ballad-one-of-euphoria-and-nostalgia.
I am really glad though, about almost meeting ‘Seema Dewan‘. The bliss that I felt, the excitement, the joy of sighting an inspiring devotee made me jump in joy. Love you for that super surprise.”
*Then a ridiculous, scary dream in September 2011, started to change things. “You had asked me to not worry. ‘STOP WORRYING’ – you ordered, but I did whine. You were patient though, like you are always with me.”
*October kind of eased me into it. The awareness had to seep in someday, despite the thick skull 😀
*Piece-de-resistance was November. “It brought me back to myself, or must I say brought me back to where you wanted me to be. Wonderful dreams Bhagwan was your gift to me on that holy month.”
“Don’t worry! Everything will fall in place”, you had said, as I fervently hogged every bit of that spiritual savory moment. Ah! That wonderful orange robe. How much it gladdened my vision. Of course, the tiny frame inside is all the reason I love it.
As I wheel away in my dream world, I hear my sister saying, “Swami, don’t tell everything will fall in place. Tell you will take care of everything.”
The horsepower inside my tummy reached unbelievable heights at my sister’s statement. “Oh my god! you aren’t supposed to speak back to Swami”, was all I wanted to tell my sister at that moment. However, the loving lord that He is, He smiled and affirmed, “Ha ha! Yes, I will take care of everything.”
“How sweet was that, Swami!!! You are just super cool.
Whatever will I even do without you?” 🙂
The service group began in my workplace, as I couldn’t resist the thought anymore. “On your birthday actually. It’s been three months, and the group is going strong. It’s all Thy grace Madhava! Thank you!”
*December 4. It was time to turn 25.
How could I be anywhere, but Puttaparthi? “I whispered my prayer to you, that I wanted to come there no matter what, as nothing else would best fit. You benevolently pulled me to Parthi for the weekend, with two of the bestest friends that Anantapur soil gave me. Thank you again for that!”
“Having had Thy dream two birthdays in a row, splendid ones that too, I was scared. What should I do, if Swami doesn’t come? Oh! the monkey mind Swami, I tell you… Uff!!! But you came. Must mention it wasn’t a super-duper one, but well, you came. That counts for something. 😛
Enjoyed your ‘puliyodhara’ and ‘ground nuts’, as the train wheeled away. I took that the journey had begun. Thy assurance in the dream of January 2010 dream was my only thought then.”
“Call me to you, bhagwan”, I had asked. You had lovingly replied, “kandippa!” (meaning: definitely).
*You called me to Bangalore then to be part of Christmas celebrations in Sai Darshan. What lovely spiritual ambiance! Met all stalwart devotee of yours – from Satyajit biah, VC Sir, Vinay, Vidhya, and my very own D for that matter ❤ It was a satwic stay Bhagwan. Best ever christmas!
Loved Satyajit biah’s speech! What sweetness of demeanor!
Let me not forget the bajans & songs that were sung. My, oh my! [Transcendental is the word, though D might not agree. You know why. You loved the intro, didn’t you? Was it because I wrote it? Or because D read it? I am just kidding. You have to love both okay, I am not giving you a choice :D]
That’s how I am back Bhagwan… To write something about you, and will bug you to read it. I don’t want any more sabbatical. You would help me, right?
I take that as an ‘yes’.
Till next time, Muaah!