To you, my all… (24th April, 2011)

[As my guru Sri Sathya Sai left His physical body…]

Million times I have sat Bhagwan to write about you, to write for you, but this time, I am out of words… Shall I start with an ‘I love you’ that should keep me going, don’t you think? So how are you doing? Missing us, am sure!!!

23.4.11: 

I was feeling way too depressed for no apparent reason. I wondered ‘WTH’, why in the world are you upset Suls?

Though I never sit in front of your altar if I am upset, that day I did. I just felt like sitting there, looking at Thy benevolent self, for I know you are there for me. Now when I look back, I am glad I sat at Thy altar that evening…

24.4.11 – I was busy searching for the 40 day prophecy in Tapovanam, because I didn’t remember reading such a line. Little did I know then that you had left your physical body. Later, when D told me, you had indeed left your physical body, I couldn’t believe my ears. I was sure that she ought to be kidding me.

Even tears had nowhere to go, they stayed within me, as I switched on the TV that morning. My heart burned as I saw the words – ‘Sai Baba dies at 85’. How can they use the word ‘die’? I mean, how could they? I immediately called up Kundhavi sister, senior alumna at Chennai, and rushed to Sundaram. Where else can I be? What else can give me peace, but Thy abode? I had to go there.

I sat at one corner, as Thy bajans reverberated all around… Memories leapt up and down in the corridors of my heart. Sai Krupa sister’s ‘ek bar kshama karo sai’ still seems to echo in the air. Though I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to see Thy physical frame in that condition, I gave my name as 30 odd students from the Chennai alumnus decided to go.

As you know, I really expected you to break open that box till the last minute. I somehow couldn’t think it could go any other way… I mean, how can it? The Chitchor that I knew always tested me beyond limits, but in the end I would get to see Him chuckle… His grin that might annoy me at the very beginning, would soon make me melt seeing His buttery smile…

Bajans, Songs, Hanuman Chalisa in Atp syle, Aarathy – what not? We knew there will be lakhs and lakhs of devotees, who would have made it quite impossible for us to expect an accommodation, and somehow we fitted in the few rooms of our fellow sisters… I know it was You who made sure that we had a place to stay… ‘Shops were closed outside ashram, so were the canteens inside, what will you do for food’ – we didn’t bother, all we wanted was to get to Parthi, but you made sure we had something to eat… Food packets, water packets were distributed on roads, as lakhs of followers stood outside, inside, and all around the ashram… Who else would take care of every unstated need of ours, but you, my beloved giridhari…

Few more tears trickled down my face, but when I did enter Kulwant hall on 25th night: I was numb. I had forgotten to react. I was not sure what was happening around me, as everything felt surreal.

I had Thy darshan, but as I moved along in the line… I couldn’t believe my own eyes… This wasn’t happening, was it? It was surely not Swami… That magnificent crown of hair that always amused me as it danced to Parthi bajans, my ever benign lord couldn’t be lying like that in the hall… He is gonu come back Suls… It’s one of those ‘love my uncertainity’ propaganda of His… Don’t worry… though I pacified myself in numerous ways, nothing made sense… I felt empty to the core, as I sat in silence…

As I looked at His physical self, lost in eternal trance, all I could think of was one thing… If Saiyans at one hand dropped everything back home – that is but a small thing – compared to He making sure that we get a place to stay, and something to eat… even now only you can look after us…

As we were walking towards our room in gopuram gate road, we realized that the darshan line was extending till SBI, and even beyond. I just couldn’t see. It was never-ending… Phew!

Earlier in the day, my thought was: How would we get to see you Bhagwan? That was when we heard, STUDENTS get to go via ‘north gate’… What unspeakable love was that? You always told us that you loved your students more than anything, and that we are your only property… When you reminded again then that you are always out there to take care, to make sure that we are ever with you… what else do we need Bhagwan, but Thy love…

Me, D, and a million other SAI devotees could but only want to be awake as Thy divine name resonated the air that night… As I decided that I needed to head back to room around Supra, I realized that I have no idea where the room was – that too with the barricades put everywhere…

Bhagwan!!! What do I do now?

No idea of the apartment name, or apartment no. I faintly remembered CRK sister saying, ‘Samadhi road – 2nd lane…’ Okay, that’s my only cue…

Since we couldn’t go directly to Samadhi road because of the barricades, I went off to Chitravathi road till the parking lot… Swami, I hope I reach in time for the shower… If not I will come back to the hall… I then asked directions from all possible people… and man! was I glad to find Gayathri, my junior from SSSIHL, Anantapur Campus.

Me: Thank God! I need a favour. Which road are we in now?

(I still don’t remember what she said.)

Me: Okay take me to Samadhi raod please, I am totally lost. (Thankfully I remembered the apartment grill.) Thank you Gayathri! …but the door was locked.

Bhagwan!!! The wonders of your love… (Just as she stepped a few feet away… )

Me: Sorry, one more favour… can I make a call?

G: You know their number?

Me: Not a clue in the world. Just hoping they find my cell ringing in my bag, and pick it up…!

Bhagwan: Sulo, what will I do with you…

Me: Sorry swami… Seriously though, thanks for helping me… I don’t know how I would have reached this quick, but for you… Okay. Before you give me any more looks, let me call them… er… I mean my own no…

Bhagwan: antha scene ledhu kanna… Why would they pick your cell, that too from your bag? Look up…

Whew. There I find my senior sisters standing in the balcony…

Me: Wow… Thanks Swami…. Sister… please open the main door na, it’s locked…

26th morning:

I marched towards Kulwant hall that morning wondering, where did north gate go? Suddenly I remembered – ‘Sai Renaissance’! Thank God, I saw a landmark last night.

I knew it was in Gopuram road, but which left exactly? I rang up Supriya, fellow sister and friend to get it confirmed… Ranju, another junior from the SSSIHL campus had arrived just then, who was equally dumbfounded at the turn of events, and also for seeing how Parti looked… Took her along with another 2010 batch junior, hoping that I did know the way to take them through the barricades…

Picked D on the way, and the next 16 hours was one of service/bajans…

I must mention – How sweet of you Bhagwan to make sure that we get to do something that we always wanted to, but just didn’t have the time… It was Nov’10, wasn’t it Bhagwan, that we decided to get ourselves a Messengers card… Though 7 days of leave was something that promised us to own one of those badges, yet we couldn’t, and you know what happened in Nov’10, don’t you? As much as we left that to Thy will, myself and D were but baffled at Thy limitless love… How can you be so caring always? You made us do security on 27th/28th – with/without the scarf, and this merciful act is but your way of letting us do it atleast once, as we always wanted… Though we thought of a different setting, you remind us in your own subtle ways that prayers will be answered…

I am trying Bhagwan in my own small way to look at the positives… Never have I thought so much about you during the waking hours like these 6 days that has passed… Never a day had passed when I hadn’t thought of you… but to think of you every moment of my waking hour, was something that never even seemed possible… is kind of happening right now… and I am sorrowfully glad…

It is not that I sat infront of you, or looked and heard only You all my life… needless to say, I jabbered to you only internally – will make fun of something – will think of your reaction, and then give a giggle to myself. Sometimes I know you would laugh along, sometimes you would chide me for my insanity… I loved all those everyday conversations… random ramblings… a special blog that I kept for you and you alone… your pictures that occupy the whole of my room… institute songs that echo in all corners… radio sai that wakes me up… You were/are everything that my soul ached/asked for…

How else can I dream to live my life, without you being my centre AND circumference…

Around 11.35 that night, aarathy was given to you, and as your physical frame was carried inside Mandir, I could sense the gloom that descended on the hall… I was stuck, too numb to cry as I heard howls all around.

28th morning:

Last of the darshan sessions in Thy physical presence… I felt the marble floor that had been a part of my life for (just) seven years now… but it sure does feel like an eternity…

Silsila ye sadiyon ka koi aaj ki baat nahin

I was wearing the 80th birthday saree that you gave us… little did I know that the saree that gave me such sheer bliss few years back, will even see me cry for hours at a stretch… Kerchiefs, tissues nothing did the trick, as all of us tried to fight our tears when brothers started singing songs… If bajans stir in you one kind of feeling, songs on the other hand are really close to us, hey na Swami… We just couldn’t take it…

“Mein muskaya tu muskayi

Mein Royi tu royi”

‘cos love springs from all corners..!

Cried silently… or sat transfixed… choked… the bones shook inside as we cried… kevi kevi azhardhuna idhu dhana swami… don’t you feel like embracing us all into your fold, seeing us cry… Even those who tried their best, broke down in the end as Indian flag was put on that orange robed man, who in all of His time lived a life of love and service… teaching, and guiding the young minds… His students to spread love… be His messengers… What higher, noble task have Thee given us, my lord?

There are a lot of things that I don’t do on my own, but only because I feel somewhere that this is what you would want me to do… I do… That to me is the scary part… to be able to love and serve the fellow beings like you have… unconditionally…

It’s not that one doesn’t know to look into the formless cosmic being who sustains the universe… God sure is eternal, non-dual, formless, attributeless, omniscient… but you Bhagwan are someone who gave me a glimpse of all of this eternal things as I lived with that five foot frame of yours for the past few years… and to ask me to let go, all of a sudden… seems to be the biggest burden… but whatever it is oh dear Swami… I will love you always… with all my heart… from now… till eternity… now that you have passed on the relay to us – I just hope and pray that you get to sit back, relax and enjoy as all your children collectively win the race… the race of unbiased love, and selfless service…

Eternally yours…